Amidst the Storm

******* The Lumps, Bumps, Knots, Tumors, Whatever you call them do not appear to be cancerous!!*******

Nothing clearly showed up on the CT scans and the MRI so further testing was done. The bone scan did not show any significant abnormalities and the Chest X-ray done several months ago when my ribs started to really hurt was clear. At this point it is believed that the tumor clearly visible in my arm is an abnormal lipoma, the issue with my ribs is falling into the "we have no idea" category and we wll monitor and rescan as needed in 6 months, the issue on my hip is being ocnsidered an abnormal lipoma and will be followed up with my ribs, and the abnormality on my lungs is to be rescanned in 6 months to make sure it is stable and not growing. The sweet words that there are no signs of malignancy are precious indeed. For once, I don't mind falling into the odd category of not having answers. At some point I may push for a biopsy of my arm to guarantee that it is indeed a funky lipoma - especially if it grows any further. Right now, it is sweet and awesome to be released from that fear. This is a joy in the storm of my life. Last night I was in tears because it seemed like once again I had become a lightning rod for any and all things abnormal and freakish. First I had to spend a half hour sorting out the fact that my payment that I sent three weeks ago had never reached my credit crd company and thus they had added over $100 of late charges to my account. The hassle of canceling payment on the missing check, explaining that I had indeed made an effort to pay the account and that my check was out there somewhere, bouncing from department to department at the bank, finally having the late fees removed, then neogitiating payment of two months fees at once. Then I drove out to my awesome sign language class that I am taking and drove back, making it home just as the rain started. I pulled into my parking spot, put the car in park, turned off the ignition, put the keys in my pocket, exited the vehicle and discovered that MY CAR WAS STILL RUNNING! Um, crap! I got back in and retried the standard maneuvers. No success. My car was running without me. I called for assistance from my father and we discovered a few things: 1) it would not stall, 2) it would not turn off no matter what I tried and 3) I can not open the hood on my own car. I am ashamed of being the absolue female stereotype when it comes to cars. Finally after 30 minutes it sputtered to a stop and after kicking it for good measure I emptied it of anything that I liked in case it might explode during the night. So I had to arrange a ride to work this morning because I am so not geting back into a car that does not turn off before it is fixed. Then this morning I had to negotiate towing for my car and convince them that it is still under warranty for roadside assistance and please tow it even though I will be at work, I will leave the keys in the glove box and pray someone steals it. So all morning at work I was receiving calls about my car while teaching. Nice and professional. I have the best principal who not only understood about the cell phone calls but arranged to have someone give me a ride to my critical doctor's appointment this afternoon so I would not have to try t call a cab or cancel my appointment. My school - it is the best school on earth!! We may not have the newest building or the fanciest equipment but we have the best people. So in the midst of the car chaos and the stress over this doctor's appointment and issues with some of my kids that I can not discuss, I noticed that my kidneys are showing signs that perhaps they are tryng to rebel against the establishment. For example, yesterday I drank a glass of water before work. Then at lunch I had a large iced green tea at Panera Bread and refilled the cup with water which I also drank. Then I had a large (huge) iced coffee from McDonalds on my way to my class. I also drank a glass of apple cider while teaching. I came home and had some water. I went to the bathroom twice all day. From 5 am yesterday morning until 5 am this morning. Me thinks that is not normal. My legs are swelling and pitting - I had a nice pattern from the carpet at cirle time over an hour after circle time was over. Nice. Finally it is possible I may have been having pain in my right lower back that I have been ignoring. Maybe. So today the doctor was nice enough to run the kidney labs and have me donate a urine sample (the nly time I have gone today except for when I first woke up - I am sure you wanted to know all about my peeing). I will get the results tomorrow. So now I have to wonder a bit if the lupus has decided that remission is not qute its style and that my kidneys are tempting. This would suck because otherwise, I feel good. I am able t do more than I have done in years. I have been hiking, I have been playing with my kids on the playground more than ever, I am truly happy with my life even as all these things are thrown at me. I may owe credit card companies and incredible supporters more money than I think I can every repay, I may pay more for prescription medication a month than I pay for my car, I may have $600 in car repairs this month (which my awesome father is taking care of without me asking him - I am blessed), I may be damaged goods and I may take more detours than routes but I love my life. I have the best job on earth with some of the bravest, strongest, sweetest, most incredible children. I work at a school that appreciates my job and my children - my children are treated as individuals with value, not annoyances, not cute little pets, not "freaks". I am discovering more and more that I have people that I can consider friends and that find the good in me. I have things that I am passionate about that bring me great joy - writing, reading, photography, hiking and being outdoors, being with friends, exploring new ways to help my children meet their greatest potential. I have a newly growing understanding of what my beliefs are and where they are rooted. There may be a storm raging around me and life may seem to be really hard, but amidst the storm I am finding great treasures and moments of pure joy. It sounds pathetically sappy but I am convinced I am where I belong. There may be clouds and thunder, rain and lightning, but there are also times of such pristine beauty and incredible joy that I would not trade this detour for any straight and clear road on earth. I am finding that I love to dance amidst the storm.*

* I am so not Pollyanna, but I am also incredibly amazed at the way that in the midst of incredible stresses everything fell into place today. I had the support I needed from people who hardly know me but have decided I am a "good person", something I am only beginning to see in myself. My greatest stress of all was lifted not when I wanted but when it was the perfect time. This was not what I wanted at all, not what I had planned, but it led me to a different and almost better place. No one promised life would be fair but I am learning to laugh, to celebrate, and to dance anyway. I am learning so much from my little ones. It is an honor to be their teacher, even if I do end up sounding like Polyanna instead of the woman who stood outside in the rain yesterday cursing and kicking her car. :)