Amidst the Storm

******* The Lumps, Bumps, Knots, Tumors, Whatever you call them do not appear to be cancerous!!*******

Nothing clearly showed up on the CT scans and the MRI so further testing was done. The bone scan did not show any significant abnormalities and the Chest X-ray done several months ago when my ribs started to really hurt was clear. At this point it is believed that the tumor clearly visible in my arm is an abnormal lipoma, the issue with my ribs is falling into the "we have no idea" category and we wll monitor and rescan as needed in 6 months, the issue on my hip is being ocnsidered an abnormal lipoma and will be followed up with my ribs, and the abnormality on my lungs is to be rescanned in 6 months to make sure it is stable and not growing. The sweet words that there are no signs of malignancy are precious indeed. For once, I don't mind falling into the odd category of not having answers. At some point I may push for a biopsy of my arm to guarantee that it is indeed a funky lipoma - especially if it grows any further. Right now, it is sweet and awesome to be released from that fear. This is a joy in the storm of my life. Last night I was in tears because it seemed like once again I had become a lightning rod for any and all things abnormal and freakish. First I had to spend a half hour sorting out the fact that my payment that I sent three weeks ago had never reached my credit crd company and thus they had added over $100 of late charges to my account. The hassle of canceling payment on the missing check, explaining that I had indeed made an effort to pay the account and that my check was out there somewhere, bouncing from department to department at the bank, finally having the late fees removed, then neogitiating payment of two months fees at once. Then I drove out to my awesome sign language class that I am taking and drove back, making it home just as the rain started. I pulled into my parking spot, put the car in park, turned off the ignition, put the keys in my pocket, exited the vehicle and discovered that MY CAR WAS STILL RUNNING! Um, crap! I got back in and retried the standard maneuvers. No success. My car was running without me. I called for assistance from my father and we discovered a few things: 1) it would not stall, 2) it would not turn off no matter what I tried and 3) I can not open the hood on my own car. I am ashamed of being the absolue female stereotype when it comes to cars. Finally after 30 minutes it sputtered to a stop and after kicking it for good measure I emptied it of anything that I liked in case it might explode during the night. So I had to arrange a ride to work this morning because I am so not geting back into a car that does not turn off before it is fixed. Then this morning I had to negotiate towing for my car and convince them that it is still under warranty for roadside assistance and please tow it even though I will be at work, I will leave the keys in the glove box and pray someone steals it. So all morning at work I was receiving calls about my car while teaching. Nice and professional. I have the best principal who not only understood about the cell phone calls but arranged to have someone give me a ride to my critical doctor's appointment this afternoon so I would not have to try t call a cab or cancel my appointment. My school - it is the best school on earth!! We may not have the newest building or the fanciest equipment but we have the best people. So in the midst of the car chaos and the stress over this doctor's appointment and issues with some of my kids that I can not discuss, I noticed that my kidneys are showing signs that perhaps they are tryng to rebel against the establishment. For example, yesterday I drank a glass of water before work. Then at lunch I had a large iced green tea at Panera Bread and refilled the cup with water which I also drank. Then I had a large (huge) iced coffee from McDonalds on my way to my class. I also drank a glass of apple cider while teaching. I came home and had some water. I went to the bathroom twice all day. From 5 am yesterday morning until 5 am this morning. Me thinks that is not normal. My legs are swelling and pitting - I had a nice pattern from the carpet at cirle time over an hour after circle time was over. Nice. Finally it is possible I may have been having pain in my right lower back that I have been ignoring. Maybe. So today the doctor was nice enough to run the kidney labs and have me donate a urine sample (the nly time I have gone today except for when I first woke up - I am sure you wanted to know all about my peeing). I will get the results tomorrow. So now I have to wonder a bit if the lupus has decided that remission is not qute its style and that my kidneys are tempting. This would suck because otherwise, I feel good. I am able t do more than I have done in years. I have been hiking, I have been playing with my kids on the playground more than ever, I am truly happy with my life even as all these things are thrown at me. I may owe credit card companies and incredible supporters more money than I think I can every repay, I may pay more for prescription medication a month than I pay for my car, I may have $600 in car repairs this month (which my awesome father is taking care of without me asking him - I am blessed), I may be damaged goods and I may take more detours than routes but I love my life. I have the best job on earth with some of the bravest, strongest, sweetest, most incredible children. I work at a school that appreciates my job and my children - my children are treated as individuals with value, not annoyances, not cute little pets, not "freaks". I am discovering more and more that I have people that I can consider friends and that find the good in me. I have things that I am passionate about that bring me great joy - writing, reading, photography, hiking and being outdoors, being with friends, exploring new ways to help my children meet their greatest potential. I have a newly growing understanding of what my beliefs are and where they are rooted. There may be a storm raging around me and life may seem to be really hard, but amidst the storm I am finding great treasures and moments of pure joy. It sounds pathetically sappy but I am convinced I am where I belong. There may be clouds and thunder, rain and lightning, but there are also times of such pristine beauty and incredible joy that I would not trade this detour for any straight and clear road on earth. I am finding that I love to dance amidst the storm.*

* I am so not Pollyanna, but I am also incredibly amazed at the way that in the midst of incredible stresses everything fell into place today. I had the support I needed from people who hardly know me but have decided I am a "good person", something I am only beginning to see in myself. My greatest stress of all was lifted not when I wanted but when it was the perfect time. This was not what I wanted at all, not what I had planned, but it led me to a different and almost better place. No one promised life would be fair but I am learning to laugh, to celebrate, and to dance anyway. I am learning so much from my little ones. It is an honor to be their teacher, even if I do end up sounding like Polyanna instead of the woman who stood outside in the rain yesterday cursing and kicking her car. :)

Clue Jr.

Yesterday one of my typical peers, Goldilocks, decided out of nowhere to hit another child upside the head. I know this because he was screaming and pointing to her. She was sitting there trying very hard to look innocent, but when I asked her if she hit Devon she answered very matter of factly "yeah". I informed her that hitting was a bad choice and that hands are not for hitting. Because she made a bad choice she would have to sit in the thinking chair to think of a better choice (for most of the remainder of my class it is simply the time out chair). When she was sitting in her thinking chair we had the following conversation:

Me:"Goldilocks, why did you hit Devon?"
G: "With a duck."
Me: "But WHY did you hit him?"
G: "On the head"
Me: "But what made you hit Devon with the duck?"
G: "By the doll house."
Me: Goldilocks, we are not playing clue here! I know Goldilocks did it with the duck by the dollhouse. I need to know WHY you did it, what did he do that made you hit him?"
G: "I'm very sorry."
Me: I'm glad you are sorry but you still have two minutes in the chair to think about why it is a bad choice to hit friends. I want you to tell me a better choice."

Two minutes later
Me: "Goldilocks, you can get up now"
G: "Ohhhh. Okay."
Me:" What is a better choice than hitting a friend?"
G: "No duck."

Okay, so round one we played the strangest version of Clue Jr I have ever played. Round two, apparently if you are going to hit someone just remember "No Duck". I then walked over to the toy shelves so she could nt see me laughing. She is my dreamy, quirky, funny, sweet, clever child. And No duck!

1000 Words

These are a few pictures from my last hiking trip. I thought they were interesting. That, and I wanted to add something else here and am running out of time. :)

Consider

Consider the fact that for three and a half hours a day I will have possession of your child. Consider that I will determine what they learn at school, what skills we focus on, what communication strategies we utelize, what materials they access, and what experiences they encounter. Consider that you have to trust me with your child for those three and a half hours with nothing more than my notes home to you and your non-verbal child to tell you how the day has gone. Consider the fact that there are eight children with special needs in my class competing for my attention and that I work extremely hard to make sure everyone's needs are met at all times. Consider that my telephone conversation with you, the child's parent, is taking place before I have even met the child and my brain is automatically forming opinions and conclusions based on our conversation whether I want it to or not because that is how we are hard wired as human beings. Consider the fact that I am going to be appearing in your home every other week for the remainder of the school year, either like a long lost friend or a thorn in your rear depending on how our relationship turns out. Consider all of this carefully before you start to insult me during our very first telephone conversation as I schedule a time to enroll your child in school. Consider that perhaps it might not be appropriate to question if I am "old enough to teach" or if I "will look older when we meet you" because those are not questions that are likely to win you a friend. Consider that informing me that I sound like I am fifteen on the telephone is not going to assist your cause any and might just cause you to sound like a creepy dirty man. Consider that no school district is going to hire "a teenager" to teach a class of beautiful, precious, adorable, and very intense children with special needs. Consider that in order to be a teacher you do indeed have to go to college ad have one of those nifty paper thingys they call a degree and yes, by gosh, I did get me one of them. Consider that it is also inappropriate and rude to ask me about my nationality, especially after I have just been interrogated about my age and education. Consider that perhaps, just perhaps, you could have waited until you saw me before deciding that I was "too young to be a teacher" and questioning me about it. Consider that now, I am leary of you and while I still look forward to teaching your child I dread having to deal with you in the future. Consider that you may have just earned your self the Creepy Parent of the Year award, and it is only October. Just Consider.

This Job, It Can Bite

Preschool kids look sweet and innocent. They are so cute that to anyone passing our mob in the hallway - because really, we are not likely going to achieve a line anytime soon - wants to sneak one into their classroom for a while. I agree that they are adorable, charming, engaging, precious, and the best part of my day but they are also far from the innocent little angels that many people want to make them out to be. We have our days when becoming a lion tamer at the circus seems like a safer and calmer job choice. My blue eyed boy started biting a few weeks ago and in spite of everything I had tried managed to take a front tooth sized piece out of me on Tuesday. He does make a very cute little vampire, but I prefer not to be his afternoon snack. So yesterday I worked with several wonderful experts to come up with a plan to avoid being taste tested and to reduce the biting. I still love him to pieces, as I love all my little ones, and I am sort of happy to see him doing this. He is tryng to express frustration at times by biting, which I hope to redirect to communication, and he is testing limits and being defiant at others which is nice to see in a child that many underestimate. The little vampire- he has attitude, he has spirit, he is a little bit punk and I love it. Just not so much when he shows it by chewing a hole into me. :)

FYI

If you are in any way trying to receive money from me do not call me "honey", do not call me "dear", do not call me "sweetheart" and do not call me "hun". If you call on the telephone, I seriously advise against asking if my mother is home. She is at home - in Michigan. I highly recommend that you avoid whatever evil urge drives you to talk to me like I am still in diapers and high chairs and instead use your "big boy/girl voice". Don't worry, I can take it. But if you call me "dear" one more time? I may just have to kick you in the knees.

24 Hours

It is amazing the differences that can develop in a 24 hour period. On Saturday I spent the day at a nearby state park hiking trails, enjoying the sweet sunshine and beautiful weather. I ended up hiking approximately 5 miles and the last 1.5 miles was done at an all-out push because I spooked myself. On Sunday I spent the entire day curled up on the couch unable to gather myself enough to do anything more than basic necessities, and even those were a challenge. A shower - forget about it, that was way beyond my capabilities. Microwaving food was a stretch, as was pulling words from some distant part of my brain all the way to my mouth and speaking them. The difference? Two little white pills that my insurance company decided would now require prior authorization before I would be given them. Did I receive any warning? Nope. I called the refill in on Saturday and was notified that my insurance would not cover it until they received prior authorization. Um, my doctor is closed until Monday and I am all out of those little white pills. After muttering a few words I would not use around my little ones I tried to call my insurance company, only to be told that they would open at 9am on Monday. Well, without these pills I cannot drive and it would not be wise for me to be responsible for other lives. Crap! I had to take a day off of work because my insurance company sucks!! So today once I could force my body out of bed I made a few phone calls. By 11:00am the prescription was filled. After making those phone calls I promptly fell back asleep on the couch until I used every effort to force myself awake at 2:00pm. Then I had to tackle the shower - I never knew a shower took so much energy. I will not reveal how the medicine got from the pharmacy to my house, only that it is here now and tomorrow morning I will blessedly return from the world of the sleepwalkers to a real live person. The reason I did not purchase the prescription out of pocket - those precious little white pills cost somewhere around $10 per pill and I take two a day. I don't happen to have that kind of money lying around. Right now I am functioning at a minimum because of the three pots of coffee (4 cup pots) that I have consumed since 2:00pm. Oh yeah, great for a heart that is prone to arrhythmias!! But its either that or I hibernate until morning. These pills are the only reason I can live anything like a normal life, and I am so appreicative to be living in a place where I have access to the "village" of medications that it takes to keep this damaged and dysfunctional body working. It is truly better living through science!! And I am sure that tomorrow morning when I am able to take my medication, the difference in the 24 hours between then and now will be just as amazing. what a difference a day makes...