Magical Thinking

Yesterday I ate dinner at 8:30pm because I had been working at school all day and managed to trigger a decent autonomic crash by the afternoon. Normally that would have meant that the rest of the day was spent lying either in bed or on the couch semi-conscious but yesterday that was not an option. Instead I chugged an incredible amount of caffeine to try and force my blood pressure and heartrate back up towards normal, took a dose of pain medication to try to combat the incredible headache, and laid flat just long enough for everythng to balance again (i.e. vision to return to normal from headache, shaking to stop, headache to settle to a dull background noise). Then it was back to work. I love my job and would never want to do anything other than teach/work with children but this is a job that has no set hours and that you almost always bring home with you. I finally stopped working around 11:00 pm and crawled into bed. I was awake at 5:30 am. I predict that my body has at least one attempt at a temper tantrum today because against my will it demands a lot more sleep than it got last night. Today I will be prepared with caffeine and tylenol in my bag (tylenol is kind of a joke but I refuse to take anything stronger at work). This week before school starts is spent chasing yourself - a meetinghere and here and here, a parent visit there, an entire classroom to unpack, an assistant who has never worked with preschool before and has no idea what she is in for this year. I am really regreting the three years I wasted takig German in high school and wishing that I had been smart enough to realize that I would need Spanish a great deal more here in America than I would need to be able to order a beer an a prostitute in Berlin (my German teacher is a whole other long story).
So amidst all of this chaos I am working hard at the magical powers of my mind. As long as I do not accept that my body is revolting against me then there is nothing wrong. I do not have time to be sick, I do not have time to deal with these tumors growing, and therefore it is not occurring. As long as I believe that there is nothing wrong then there is nothing wrong. Sounds good to me. Besides, I have no idea how I could afford more doctors appointments and tests and medications. I am blessed to have decent insurance but the copays are breaking me. Teaching is one of the greatest professions with the greatest rewards, but they are never monitary. Maybe I will stick a toe back into reality once the school year has started. Once the kids are in class, the parents are comfortable with the class, and I have a schedule down. Maybe then I can add one more thing to my juggling routine. Until then I will practice the great powers of my mind...and maybe just a hint of denial?