Sharp Left Turn?

tumor
noun
an abnormal new mass of tissue that serves no purpose


tu·mor (tmr, ty-)
n.
An abnormal growth of tissue resulting from uncontrolled, progressive multiplication of cells and serving no physiological function; a neoplasm.
A swollen part; a swelling. (Thank You Dictionary.com)

In general I love words. I devour books and consume anything that I can read. Words are the most powerful beings to me, the things which allow me to comprehend and to explore, to express myself to and delight in the world around me. There are dozens of notebooks throughout my life and my home filled with words that have poured out of me. I never wanted to write the ugly word above. Sometimes it is absolutely awful to be right. For months I have been trying to tell my doctor that the lump, bump, knot, knob, blob, pain in my arm is growing. First it was nothing. Then it was the lymphadema and scar tissue. Then my side started hurting. Then it was the Lupus because both sites are over bones and muscles. Then there was a swelling over my hip that could have been a lymph node so it was scanned but since nothing showed up forgotten. Then he finally decided to do an ultrasound on my arm because I was insistent and my arm is significantly larger than the other. Oh, and I have a blood clotting disorder that places me at high risk for blood clots even when on proper medication. Only problem was that the soonest available appointment was four weeks away and he was fine with that. Enter my second opinion - a visit to the emergency room which cost me $100 but proved there were no clots. I also visited the rheumatologist and proved that I have no active lupus or autoimmune disease at this time. I had the second ultrasound done that showed nothing and he was content to write it off. Umm, No. By now my arm has a clearly visible and palpable lump, bump, knot, knob, blob that anyone can feel - it is between a shooter marble and a golf ball. My ribs have a definitely palpable lump, bump, knot, knob, blob that anyone can feel - it is more like a golf ball. Both hurt and are growing.
So I made an appointment and went in today. For the first time he really felt them. A little light bulb went on over his head. I am not losing my mind. He thinks they are lipomas but they are definitely masses, tumors. Gulp. I asked how we could know for sure and he said that the only way would be a biopsy with removal of the whole thing and did I really want that? Um, right now Hell YEAH I want these things out! I know that with dysautonomia and the Lupus Anticoagulant and the PFO in my heart I am a surgeons worst nightmare. I know that with the fact that I do not respond to anesthesia and sedation this would be quite tricky. But every cell in my body is screaming - get them the hell out of here! He was content to call them lipomas and smile. Um, nice try buddy boy but they are growing in me and I am not letting them move into the neighborhood without a background check. He said it would be difficult to convince the insurance - like I really care about the insurance right about now? I will argue with them and do whatever is necessary but that should never be the deciding factor in doing what is medically necessary. He decided to ask a few more questions.

Do they hurt? Um where were you a few minutes ago?!?
Are they growing? See above. My real response: "Um, yeah. The one on my arm is definitely bigger and, well, six months ago there was nothing on my ribs."
Anything Else? Yes, it hurts to take a deep breath now.

Those three seemed to get his attention. I have a CT scan of the chest and an MRI of my arm in two weeks. Two weeks is not bad when looked at from the outside, but from in here - I want them to be tomorrow. I want to know now. I want answers. I want to be on the other side of this not knowing. Is this a speed bump or a sharp left turn? Will this be a minor detour or an alternate route?

All of this was written without stopping to think about it, edit it, or any of the normal things I do when I write here. It is raw emotions. For better or worse raw is all I have to offer. For the next two weeks I will do what I know how to do - dust myself off and live in the moment. I may just live those moments with even more passion. Sometimes the best scenery is along the detour you never intended to take.