Not on the First Date*

I am old fashioned, quaint, simple, whatever adjective you would like to use. It is my practice to not allow strangers to undress me, most definitely not the first time that I meet them. So how I ended up lying perfectly still on a table on Friday while two complete strangers removed my pants is quite the experience. My first sign that perhaps it was not going to be the best day for critical medical testing was when I wrote down the date - Friday, July 13. Nice! How did I manage to schedule these tests for Friday the 13th? I am usually not superstitious but that just seemed like a glaring "Hey Stupid! Here's Your Sign!" to me. The next hint of the fun to come was the fact that it took 1 hour 40 minutes to find the place that was 40 minutes away. Thank you google maps! I was lulled back into complacency by the fact that the Chest CT went according to schedule. The nurse/radiologist even got in a great IV on the first try - that counts as major bonus points for anyone. Even more points for the fact that there is only a tiny bruise two days later. So I then head over to the MRI building. I am convinced this will be uncomfortable but not bad. I forgot that this is Friday the 13th. I forgot that this is me - that I am a lightning rod for freakishly odd things and stupid mistakes. So they call me back and I am expecting to have to change clothes (I bring a change of clothes because I have issues with hospital gowns - lots of issues with hospital gowns). Instead the girl says that I should be fine even with my very metal pants (lots of zippers and buttons) and my very metal belt. I question this but she is confident. Mistake #1 - I should have insisted on changing into my non-metal shorts that I brought along. She then leads me into the room where my wire framed glasses are confiscated and my sneakers that have tiny metal rims around the fasteners. Mistake #2 - not insisting I return to the changing room and put on my non-metal shorts. So then the fun of positioning begins. I ended up lying on my left side (painful thanks to the knob, blob, glob, mass on my ribs/chest) with my left arm extended out along side my body rotated palm upward and my body touching my arm but rotated slightly away. Sound confusing? Yes. Sound painful? Hell Yes! I am ever so greatful for every pound I lost over the past year because I do not see how I could have fit if I weighed another 5 pounds - and I am padded but not "Oh My God" fat. I can shop in either regular size sections or "Fat Girl" size sections depending on which has the best sales. :) So back to the MRI. As I enter the MRI the magnet discovers my belt and suddenly my hips are being lifted off of the table. I feel like David Copperfield only a bit afraid that this could end in disaster. Mistake #3 - I should have yelled for them to turn off the machine and let me change into my non-metal shorts. I somehow levitate into the machine and plop back onto the table. They begin the testing and come back in to try a new position because the images are funny. Hmm...metal pants anyone? So we repeat the levitation experience and I repeat Mistake #3. Finally they come back in and tell me that I am going to need to change into a gown (wait, I have non metal shorts people!) because there is too much metal on my pants. Okay, did I not say that way back at the beginning? Then the older woman says she has an idea but I am free to say no. If I am willing, they can help me take of my pants without unstrapping my arm and cover me with a gown (I HATE GOWNS) and then we do nto have to realign everything and we can just finish the test so much faster. By that point I would have sold my family members to have the test done because my left arm was cold, numb, and no longer responding as a part of my body. My left ribs were very much telling me they were a part of my body and were not going to allow me to forget them. My right shoulder and hip were joning in because I could not move them as they were either pressed up against the machine or strapped in place. Thus my dignity went out the window and I was stripped by wo complete strangers whom I could not even see because my glasses were safely outside the pull of the magnet. Thank God I had on nice underwear! :) 30 minutes later we were finally done and I ended up wearing the stinking gown and carrying my metal pants back to the changing room where my non-metal shorts were neatly waiting in my bag. When I was handed my pants the girl warned me to "Be very careful! Do not walk too close to the machine while holding those!" Um, sweetheart, you put me INTO the machine while I was wearing them! Thank you for making me feel so safe. I hope you enjoyed looking at my pink flowered underwear. You should feel special because usually, I don't do that on the first date and you are SO not my type! Now the cute guy behind the desk.... :) I should get the results from the testing on Monday and we can figure out what to do from there. Based on the increasing pain and the fact that the third lump that the doctor did not officialy diagnose is growing we need to do something, and pretty soon. Also there is an area on my back, around from my chest lump, bump, knob, blob that is really hurting. I am hoping it is referred pain from a nerve being pressed on around front. Honestly, I am scared. The masses are now not only palpable but visible on my arm and chest. This sucks and I am trying to hold it together. I just want answers and a plan. And to not have to show anyone else my pink flowered underwear on the first date. :)

* This is a rewrite of a post I put up yesterday.