Hazmat Suit Optional

Children defy laws of nature. They can boune when every law of gravity states they should shatter into a million pieces, or at least crack a bone or two. They can eat an entire bowl of spaghetti and not get an single drop of sauce inside of their mouth. They can clear a classroom of every toy on every shelf in under three minutes when both teachers are taking care of critical situations and then look innocent when you arrive on the scene. Then there are the great diaper mysteries that I will never understand, the ones that defy all comprehension. How does a child soak through their clothing while the diaper remains just lightly damp? Why do parents put a child in pull-ups who is no closer to potty training than I am to winning the lottery, especially considering I never buy a ticket? And how can a child be completely clean when checked and ten minutes, TEN MINUTES, later be covered up to their armpits and down into their shoes? That is not natural. That is not covered by any laws or rules of how things work in this world, therefore making that steaming mess of stink an alien life form. In brief summary - 6 pairs of gloves, one complete box of diaper wipes, one complete change of clothing incuding socks and shoes, 25 minutes, and 1/2 a can of air freshner to create the new aroma of oozing alien life form and floral boquet. We need an emergency shower in the corner of our classroom for times like this so I can save the time and absolute futilty of diaper wipes and just hold the child under running water for a few minutes until skin begins to appear again. Diaper wipes are man-made and thus have no power over alien life forms that erupt into a diaper and then over the entire body. It was a battle, a war really, to reclaim the child from the alien slime but in the end I was victorious. I was also creative and stuffed said child into two pull-ups before putting nice clean clothes back over the bottom from which said alien slime originated. If one layer of protection failed, we need a double barrier!! Then I scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed my hands and tied up the nice little present of alien encrusted clothing to send home to mommy to be washed or thrown away. Sometimes being the teacher beats being the mommy!